For years I have loved the feeling of being needed. The feeling of exhilaration and terror on holding the newborns for the first time and knowing that not only was I the food ticket for the foreseeable future, I was also the centre of their universe. I relished the feeling of providing a safe and warm nest for my children. I loved the sensation of fixing their little worlds when the gods were being unkind......I thrived on the wonder-filled expressions when I managed to rejig something unfixable.
I loved the magic of kissing things better.
I told myself that I was doing the best I could to make my partner, my kids, my friends, my relations - all happy to know me. I nearly killed myself with the word "should". But the neediness in them filled some of the empty spaces in me.
It is with slight regrets that I have let my children grow up at all.
"Please, don't drop me ALL the way to the school gate" she said with a slight note of panic or
"Don't even THINK about giving me a kiss here" he growled in his half-broken 14 year old falsetto.
I smiled, ruefully, at the time.
I'm still smiling and the rue is nearly all gone.
And now, I'm half a world away from everyone near and dear to me and everything that constitutes my life up to this point could be a figment of my imagination.
There is such freedom in realising that you are dispensable.
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7 comments:
Wait a minute....while I adjust my set. What do you mean you're half a world away from everyone near and dear to you? What am I?Chopped liver?? It's a two edged sword, this new dispensableness. True, it feels good , the freedom. But I'm not ready for such a hefty dose of reality as the realisation that if I dropped dead tomorrow it would hardly cause a ripple. I like my little fantasy that I matter, no matter how deluded!
Oh!! I love the magic of kissing things better too!
I think that you have just eloquently articulated my very fears as it draws closer to my daughter moving to France next year. She won't need me any more. She'll still like me and probably want to talk to me, but the needing will be over.
The needing only seems to be over. When it's time for you to make your final departure, your children will need you again and the only magic that will work is the magic you created all the years of their growing up. Being both indespensible and despensible are figments of our own imagination - I like to think we're free underneath both.
I liked the places this post led my thoughts.
Molly... beat of my heart ... do I need to tell you?
Stomper .. Kissing is such a simple fixit for even the most complex problems. I love kisses.
Tracey ... Of course, she'll need you ... just in a different way.
Pauline ... free underneath, around the sides, over and above ....I can dream ...
I really liked this post.
Your children never really get over needing you- they just dont realise it very often.
And magic kisses still work for little grandchildren, who bring their very own magic.
I think they will always need you, but sometimes they don't like to admit it.
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